"I will ascend to the tops of the clouds, I will make myself like the Most High.” But you are brought down to Sheol, to the depths of the Pit. (Isaiah 14:14-15)

My devotional times are a continual back and forth between growth and giving up.

It seems that my time with God runs on a clock of seasons. Droves of “spiritual” people would probably say that this is due to laziness, or accuse me of being a person driven by whims - but this is a generalization on their part. My relationship with God is deliberate and complex.

Each morning when I rise, I do my best to spend time with God. I mean that generically, of course, as that can mean a lot of different things.

- Sometimes I read something that challenges my thinking.

- Other times I sit quietly by my living room window, looking out at the city.

- Often, I meditate.

- Other times I pray.

I’d say that nine times out of ten, what I learn most in these instances is that I am utterly incapable of reaching God. I am unable to do anything, say anything, or think anything (or not think anything), that triggers the same response from the Divine each time.

I’ve been searching for a repeatable method that I can contact God with for most of my adult life, but I haven’t found it. The minute I find a method that does cause such an encounter, it stops working once I try to repeat it.

It’s as if God is toying with me.

I have a hunch that this may be how it’s supposed to be. It’s just when I decide I’m going to give up all of this “time with God crap,” that I am made keenly aware that he is present, real, and close.

It seems that God “shows up” when I “give up.”

I will keep trying to find a repeatable method that brings God around, but I don’t think I’ll ever find one. God is smarter than that, and I don’t think he will allow himself to be reduced to my devotional formulas.

We cannot make ourselves like the Most High. There’s nothing we can do to reach him or to bring him close.

He is always present, always close, and we get him simply because “he is.”