Forefront Stories | Kayla Serrano
This season we're sharing stories of life change at Forefront. We're calling it “Make A Joyful Noise”! Each story of life change is indeed joyful. These stories mark long journeys of leaving faith, dealing with pain, and living with doubt but finding beauty, community, and joy on the other side!
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Stories from our Congregation: Kayla Serrano
I used to say “I was raised Catholic which is why I’m an atheist”. The truth is that years of trauma intertwined with force-fed Catholicism had created an animosity in me that I directed at God. I was 12 when I told my mom that I was an atheist, and though we were never devout as a family in religious practices, she was disappointed. Seven years later, I came out as gay, and that was easier for her to accept than atheism. I was bitter for many years, I rejected any idea that there was a God who cared about me.
“Seven years later, I came out as gay, and that was easier for her to accept than atheism.”
As I worked through my own traumas and depression in therapy, my idea of the world and spirituality started to shift. It was slow, and at first, I didn’t notice it. As I grew into myself and accepted my identity, I found that I was comfortable in meditation (here’s a guided meditation from Forefront). I connected myself to the Earth and believed that there was a balance to be maintained. But I was still identifying as an atheist (see this interesting article on atheism by a Forefront congregant).
Then I fell in love with Gabrielle, who was raised in a conservative Christian household, and she still very much embraced her Christianity and her relationship with God. It was overwhelming, and at first, I felt like I was competing with God for her love. In all the time I spent in the Queer Community, I’d never met someone like Gabby, someone who wanted so badly to make the link between God and queerness. I had finally become comfortable with my identity as a lesbian, and here came more questions. We had many difficult conversations, and finally, I decided to explore the spirituality I had and see what it looked like in a less secular concept.
“What if my meditation could be prayer?”
I listened to podcasts about spirituality. I read books on Buddhism, and God in abstract terms. But it was one book about homosexuality and Christianity that made me rethink everything I ever thought was true. After a few months, I told Gabby I wanted to go to church with her. We went to different churches together, trying to find a progressive one that had what we both needed. I was uncomfortable in all the churches we went to, they didn’t feel like anything I could relate to or see myself being a part of (Church Clarity scores churches on how affirming they are).
“I can’t remember who the speaker was, but she was a mother, a woman of color, and a lesbian. And the way she talked about God’s love brought me to tears.“
Then, Gabby went to Forefront without me, she left raving about the service and I didn’t believe her. I was stubborn and content with where I was. But she asked me to try out Forefront, and she was insistent about it. At this time I had begun working Sunday mornings, so I didn’t have the time to go in person and I pushed it off. Finally, one day on my way home, I put on one of Forefront’s services on Apple podcasts. I can’t remember who the speaker was, but she was a mother, a woman of color, and a lesbian. And the way she talked about God’s love brought me to tears. No one had ever told me that God loved me just as I am, before. Until that moment, I had never put together the pieces that my rejection of God and spirituality came at the same time that I was discovering my sexuality. And suddenly, it all made sense.
From there, Gabby and I grew our involvement in Forefront. I began to listen to the recorded services on a daily basis. I got to know all the people in the church without ever seeing them. I listened and in doing so I laughed, I cried, I journaled, and I prayed. I went to in-person services twice. Then, we attended a newcomers dinner together. I was excited to start attending more regularly in March 2020, since my work hours were going to change. But the pandemic had other plans.
The Forefront community continued to keep us sane and grounded during the quarantine, it kept us hopeful in times of distress. And today it continues to keep us connected, challenged, and learning. I am grateful for the support of the Forefront family, and I am proud to be part of this community. This has been an experience that completely unraveled me, and brought me closer to Gabby.
“Together we have found a place for God in our lives and relationship, and apart we have manifested and grown our own individual relationships to God and the church.”
Together we have found a place for God in our lives and relationship, and apart we have manifested and grown our own individual relationships to God and the church. It’s been a wild, magnificent, and mind-blowing ride. I can see my life through a different lens now. Growing up Catholic may have made me an atheist, but accepting that I was a lesbian is what brought me to Forefront.
Would you like to invest in more stories like this?
You can! You could set up a recurring monthly gift during this “Make a Joyful Noise” Campaign. We’re raising $40,000 so that we can continue to be a church both online and in person. We anticipate that day coming and are planning ahead for a new and bright future. Your gift not only allows Forefront to continue to pay the bills, you gift allows us to create a care team fund that continues to support members of our church. It gives stipends to your ministries and groups. It buys the equipment that allows some of you, our virtual community, to experience Forefront’s community and worship from anywhere in the world. It helps furnish the homes of refugees through our partnership with Ruth's Refuge.
In short, it allows us to expand our just and generous vision