Forefront Stories | Gabrielle Ayala
This season we're sharing stories of life change at Forefront. We're calling it “Make A Joyful Noise”! Each story of life change is indeed joyful. These stories mark long journeys of leaving faith, dealing with pain, and living with doubt but finding beauty, community, and joy on the other side!
We'd love for you to invest in Forefront. Your investment creates more stories of life change, like this one from Gabrielle.
Stories from our Congregation: Gabrielle Ayala
I grew up in the conservative Christian church, born into the pews, I often felt confused by the church’s messages. It felt like I was in another class rather than a relationship. I struggled to find God relevant in my life as a young person, especially, one who was shy and sheltered.
When I was in junior high my family left my childhood church and transferred over to what I thought was a progressive and contemporary Christian church. We were allowed to wear hats and have tattoos. They talked about sex, and more relevant topics catered toward teens and preteens. It was the first time I had ever felt like God could see me, and use me, and value me as we were taught prior but this time with modern context.
“Don’t ask questions, because questions are bad. Don’t diverge from what we know, because that’s bad. What we know is what’s here word for word.”
However, as I got older and my life became more layered, I began to disconnect, I realized that while the church didn’t pretend to ignore controversial topics, they still had a traditional way of addressing the topics. There was an unsaid norm for the congregants: don’t ask questions, because questions are bad. Don’t diverge from what we know, because that’s bad. What we know is what’s here word for word. Interpretations and gray areas were risky, and they became solely the responsibility of the discernment of the pastor. If he had a revelation and it was modern, then that’s what we believed. That’s what we trusted. There was so much wrong with this ideology which trapped us in ancient Israel, the very same ideology Jesus came to break us out of. I accepted it. I stifled my feelings and busied myself in ministry.
“I grew pretentious, and angry. Bored and lonely. So I left. I left the country.”
I grew pretentious, and angry. Bored and lonely. So I left. I left the country, and I traveled and moved around. I decided I needed to have experiences, my sheltered life was hindering the natural exploration in my spirit and stopping me from the beauty that God created all around us.
It took a trip to Australia and for me to meet another exchange student, before I realized that I was queer. I had always been queer.
Away from home and my family it was easy to dissociate myself from my upbringing. But when I came back to the US at 21, I understood that I needed to figure out my life and how I was going to live it. Or get over it, which is what I thought and had been told to always do, avoid the sinful urges. As if being in a loving relationship was sinful.
“They made being queer feel dirty.”
So now, with these thoughts bouncing in my head I tried to find God's purpose for me in my life. I have always been purpose driven and God has always been faithful. What did it look like for God to use someone like me, a young, sheltered, Black and Latina, queer woman in film. How would that work? How could I be all of me for all of Him? How could I represent Him in all the places I wanted to be? I felt like I was going to hell. Like I was damning myself to hell and I was sealing the fate of anyone I was going to be with too. It didn’t help that the woman I would fall in love with was also jaded from her own upbringing in the Catholic Church and now called herself an atheist. I felt like I wasn't just knowingly living a life of sin but I was mocking God.
“I felt like I wasn't just knowingly living a life of sin but I was mocking God.”
That even when I looked to scripture for answers, and tried to decipher and interpret and provide relevance to my life, that I was changing and manipulating scripture for my own agenda. I remember a time when things were difficult for me and Kayla emotionally. She felt that I could leave at any time because of my faith and I felt I could too. I was at a crossroads. I didn’t want to hurt this girl. I didn’t want to damn her soul. I felt such fear and guilt and anxiety I fell to my knees and cried out to God. I had many questions and many doubts. Many scriptures are up for interpretation and many people sent me hard definitive “words from God”. I didn’t know what to think or feel. I cried up to God and I got one verse from Sunday school thrown at me. “All good things come from me.”
“I cried up to God and I got one verse from Sunday school thrown at me. ‘All good things come from me’.”
I realized that my life had been broken out into a series of good and bad things. Good often steaming from tough times and the bad things from easy, often selfish, arrogant times. In every instance the good things were undeniably not of my own doing. They were clearly of God. I thought of my relationship. I thought of the way Kayla, my girlfriend, made me feel and the way I bettered myself when I was around her. The way we treated each other. All really good things. Kayla, herself, was the best thing. She felt like my personal gift from God, created just for me to meet me at this time in my life. It would not be easy, it wasn’t supposed to be, but in the end it would be good, I could feel it in my spirit. It changed my perspective. It gave me authority over my situation. It made me invest into her more. To preserve this gift from all those around who doubted it or tried to harm it.
“She felt like my personal gift from God, created just for me to meet me at this time in my life.”
Some time later I would learn that through that experience and me, Kayla was experiencing God for the first time. She would see His love and compassion and she would accept Him into her life. Together, we would begin to break down harmful theology and rediscover our faith. We soon understood we needed a supportive family thinking like us. I wasn’t convinced that the perfect place existed, that we could find a place affirming, based in biblical truth and with modern values, community and worship. It took us trying 3 churches to find Forefront. As soon as we stepped through the doors, we knew we were home.
“God was always guiding me here for a time as this.”
I support Forefront and this community because I believe in its role and purpose in God's plan. While I felt alone in my struggle and later unique in my revelation, I was never alone. God was always guiding me here for a time as this.
Would you like to invest in more stories like this?
You can! You could set up a recurring monthly gift during this “Make a Joyful Noise” Campaign. We’re raising $40,000 so that we can continue to be a church both online and in person. We anticipate that day coming and are planning ahead for a new and bright future. Your gift not only allows Forefront to continue to pay the bills, you gift allows us to create a care team fund that continues to support members of our church. It gives stipends to your ministries and groups. It buys the equipment that allows some of you, our virtual community, to experience Forefront’s community and worship from anywhere in the world. It helps furnish the homes of refugees through our partnership with Ruth's Refuge.
In short, it allows us to expand our just and generous vision